Welcome back dedicated readers,
Its been far too long since my last update, but fear not. I have been up to my eyeballs in the hilarity of being responsible for other people's homes. My legal team has advised me that the topic of towing cars is still a sore wound that should sit on the shelf a little longer. Not that I'm a big tease, but I don't have an arsenal of weapons against crazy and that is what lives next door...crazy.
I do want to introduce you to my all time favorite, least favorite neighbor. She was a renter next door and her name was...well I didn't actually catch her name as she never introduced herself, she just came up to me one day, bitching about the landscaping. Let's call her Aunt Petunia. Auntie moved in several months ago and promptly let me know that she had a few people staying with her for a short period of time. Those people stayed for 9 months. They consisted of a man, who obviously was in a rock band, a woman, who obviously failed at dying her hair, several times and a little girl who wore a bike helmet when playing out side...without a bike.
Unfortunately, Aunt Petunia rented a unit that was going into foreclosure. The owner was nice enough to let her know, that was his first mistake. This following was her statement about their conversation:
"Well, he called and said the apartment was going into foreclosure and that he was sorry he couldn't afford it anymore. I told him I wasn't paying rent anymore and to Fuck Off!" That was Aunt Petunia keeping Vancouver classy. She did have a point on one issue. More than likely she was not getting her deposit back. I figured something was up when she came home one day with a new computer, printer, big ass TV and one of her "house guests" had multiple bags from different shops and stores. Aunt Petunia gave herself a big ole dose of retail therapy. I only found out from her that the unit went into foreclosure months after it happened. The owner was nice enough to let her know it went into foreclosure but I guess as the HOA President I don't need that kind of information.
Aunt Petunia quickly began to spread misinformation, fleas and bread around the complex. She was telling other renters about "benefits" to living in a foreclosed property. What she didn't know is that all of the "benefits" were facts for homeowners, renters didn't get jack. The fleas came from here fat, nasty Dachshund who barked at everyone and was allowed out the front door, unsupervised to do her business. The bread came from Aunt Petunia's own pantry. She tossed it off her deck like a Frisbee. I assumed it was her effort at charity.
Shortly after the Christmas Holidays Aunt Petunia's property became too visually cluttered. She had parked her bike and kayak on the side of her unit, placed her Christmas tree outside her front door and routinely frisbeed bread onto the back 40 of the property. At this time I had to make rounds to a few other units so I began with Aunt Petunia.
I was not able to get Auntie to the front door, just her horse faced house guest. I informed horse face that they had parked too many cars in the visitor parking spaces and some of them had not moved in several weeks, particularly the car with expired tabs. I also informed her that sporting equipment would need to be contained within the confines of their unit or the fenced area of her yard. The response to that was:
"There isn't enough room in this apartment for Aunt Petunia's kayak."
REALLY??? I managed to fit my canoe and unicycle in my unit, what gives?? Then the conversation came to the Christmas tree, turning brown as I spoke, and why it could not remain in its current location. The response:
"We thought it would re-root itself and grow if we left it in the dirt."
OH COME ON!! You are killing me with this one. The tree died the moment it was severed from its roots...it has no way to draw water to its needles, are you serious? Its not like an avocado pit that if it sits in water will sprout, its not an amaryllis and you've just perfected a forced bulb technique...its a dead tree!! It was then that I realized I was dealing with a member of the 1%. The 1% are those that have no common sense, street sense or ethical sense...they are in fact as dumb as a box of hair. I told her it was a fire hazard and it had to go...and NOT IN THE GARBAGE DUMPSTER. I asked horse face to relay the information to Aunt Petunia and bid her good afternoon.
I did bring up the bread issue and it continued to be found on the back lawn. Most of that bread made its way back to Aunt Petunia's deck and within the confines of her fenced yard. I assumed she laid it out to dry, in an effort to make croutons and it flew off her deck. I was merely putting her property back whence it came.
Aunt Petunia stayed for several months, rent free. Her guests smoked on the back deck and lumbered back and forth to their jalopies. She rarely said "Hi". If I was on my deck, her smoking guests never said "Hi" either. She continued to rile up the other renters and filled their heads with nonsense. Then one day just as inconveniently as she moved in, she inconveniently moved out. And that was that. Or so I thought. She left a mess in the unit and her Christmas tree under the deck, covered in bread.
You may wonder why I am so opposed to miscellaneous baked goods being tossed onto the back lawn. First of all that's how you get ants, secondly there are raccoons who live in the area. They are big and crafty.
One summer evening, 3 years ago, I was relaxing on my deck. The heat had lifted and a cooling breeze was blowing north. It was almost midnight and the street was quiet. I heard a crackle and a pop. I looked to the overgrown field adjacent to the condo property and saw the biggest, ugliest raccoon crawling up the fence. I was grossed out of my own skin. Raccoons are the damned souls of criminals living a hellish purgatory. That's why their tails are stripped and their little hands look like they could pick locks or hot-wire cars. GROSS!! The only thing worse than a raccoon is a possum....ICK!
The raccoon climbed up the fence in the vacant field. When he go to the top he climbed over the top rail and climbed down the fence, upside down. Yup, head first. This was not a smart raccoon. If the ugly thing slipped he would fall to the concrete right on his wretched, flea ridden head. He made it to the bottom of the fence and sat on the street. Then to my absolute horror, a second raccoon, a bit smaller than the first, began to climb up the fence in the same manner. When the second raccoon reached the top it paused. I gasped. The abomination looked around and looked right at me!!! I froze, trying not to draw its attention. It then did the strangest thing. When it reached the top of the fence, it swung its leg over, straddled the fence, swung the other leg over and climbed down ass first...just like a human. It looked like a midget in a costume. I was so aghast I couldn't even utter EWWWW!
I have just proven my theory. Raccoons are the souls of the criminally damned. It continued to scale the fence to the street. Both raccoons looked both ways before crossing the street. The pair headed straight for the house across the street. They tread lightly over the yard and then disappeared under the deck. The underside of the deck had been enclosed as it was low to the ground, however, a foot wide opening allowed the demons under the house to safety.
I stood there, mesmerized and disgusted. I went back into my unit and watched TV. Over the next few days I attempted to flag down the occupant of the home. I told him about the raccoons and he contacted the owner. The vermin had chewed their way into the crawl space and reeked havoc. The damage was close to $5000. That's why I won't allow food to be lawn darted over the property...its how you get ants and its how you get the souls of convicted mongrels living under your house.
Tune in next week when the HOA receives its very first Reserve Study and the amount of money we don't have to sustain ourselves...No, seriously, I hate being and HOA President.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Monday, November 21, 2011
Encore...or in other words, don't leave me high and dry.
Dear Readers,
I was recently brought to my attention that I don't update my blog enough...I know. I was also brought to my attention that I didn't stay true to my word and write about what I stated I would right about...I'm embarrassed.
So here it is...unabashed, unashamed, but the names will be withheld to protect the ignorant, most of whom can't read anyway.
During the summer an infidel cleaned out what we assumed was a dead relatives house and placed the contents into the Condo's dumpster. It was full. Not full, like "wow this is full but I can place one more bag of shit in here". It was full like a closet you throw all your crap in and when opened, topples out, covers your entire body and crushes your larynx in the process.
It was full of used, household goods. There was bags and bags of clothes, sheets, linens, tupperware...I mean plastic food storage, boom boxes (in plastic bags, what's that about), magazines, paperback books of an erotic nature, (those walked right in to my condo, it was the only way to ascertain who this crap might belong to for a monetary fine or stern warning), dozens and dozens of cosmetic samples, including the most foul smelling perfume known to man, except it did not have a label on it.
My partner and I dug out antique stuffed, animals, rugs, small bits of furniture and proceeded to fill the back of my truck with all of it. Its in a dumpster, its fair game and now its my tax deduction $$$. I made a mental list of what was being put in my truck. It is well known that I am a cheap bastard and I will take any and all tax deductions and I have no shame in digging out stuff to donate. Then there is the issue as outlined in my last blog. "Jason the dumpster's full, and I don't have room to throw out my pizza boxes and PBR cans".
The truck began filling up, and we were making jokes and fast work of the lifestyle some had placed in the dumpster. We made it to the halfway point of the dumpster and I began to open similar bags of trash (yes...it was flat out, common trash). The one I opened had similar items that we had been digging out all evening. Several bills, papers and plastic food containers (which should have gone in the recycling you earth killing heathen and you know damn well who you are). I pulled out bills that had one of my neighbor's name and address all over it. There is no way in hell I would ever let any piece of paper with my name and address on it go into a commonly used dumpster. Doesn't anyone care about identity theft anymore. Even if you have Lifelock (or whatever that credit checking/credit rating service is called) it does not guarantee that someone will use that information to harm you...or your pugs.
After further digging, I found a pay stub from the same neighbor. It was now obviously her bag of trash. In one hand I had my neighbors utility bills, pay stub, with social security number and what looked like a house key, on the other hand if this was left in the dumpster and fell into the wrong hands I was looking at was my condo complex on an episode of City Confidential, which would weave a story of murder, mystery and intrigue. I took all of it and put it through my shredder. Then I emailed her father and let him know what I found in the dumpster. I would have walked it over to the unit owner but at this time it was 10 pm and all her lights were off. Which is a first for her, she tends to like "night time activities" and I am not talking about Scrabble. The email read much like how this blog read, but I made a point to let him know that I was cleaning out the trash so it could actually be used by the residents and I left out my sense of humor, since he doesn't have one.
Two days later I was flagged down by the previous HOA treasurer and he warned me that the above referenced humorless father was on the war path. He stated we were acting like "trash Nazis" (that shit's a direct quote), and that his daughter was now afraid to throw away her trash because we were trying to find stuff to use against her, AND that recycling is optional and owners can throw away as much trash as they want.
First...No. you do not verbally assault someone who did not send you an email. Man up, you Jackass and email me back or come knock on my front door. After speaking with the previous HOA treasurer I was fired up. I carefully crafted an email to clear up any misconceptions that Jackass may have had. I also reiterated that I did not give a flying monkey's balls what his daughter was up to. I also reiterated that no unit owner had the right to fill up the dumpster. If you want to throw out as much trash as you can, in any given week, then buy a fuckin' house. These are condos you Jackass!
I wrote the email, made my point and moved on. Two days prior, I spent most of my evening cleaning out a dumpster for the sake of my condo community and then found stuff that any reasonable person would not put in there. His daughter made the statement that she felt we were against her and trying to find stuff to hold against her. I have a feeling she has been making that statement for most of her life. I have better things to do...I have a lot of things to do...I have too much to do to be digging through a dumpster in the middle of summer to find things on a resident that I don't know, haven't met and never see.
No, seriously I hate being an HOA President.
But the stuff I found in the dumpster was hilarious...just a few things stick out. A silver lame shirt, a real fur coat, size small, several large Mumu style dresses, dozens and dozens of investment and money management magazines, a huge wool rug in white sized 5x7, a painting of Jesus (that will send you right to hell), and a shoe box full of sewing notions which I was not allowed to keep because apparently I have too much stuff already.
Tune in next week, or whenever I get off my lazy ass to blog again and read all about squatting renters, replanting cut Christmas trees and feeding racoons.
I was recently brought to my attention that I don't update my blog enough...I know. I was also brought to my attention that I didn't stay true to my word and write about what I stated I would right about...I'm embarrassed.
So here it is...unabashed, unashamed, but the names will be withheld to protect the ignorant, most of whom can't read anyway.
During the summer an infidel cleaned out what we assumed was a dead relatives house and placed the contents into the Condo's dumpster. It was full. Not full, like "wow this is full but I can place one more bag of shit in here". It was full like a closet you throw all your crap in and when opened, topples out, covers your entire body and crushes your larynx in the process.
It was full of used, household goods. There was bags and bags of clothes, sheets, linens, tupperware...I mean plastic food storage, boom boxes (in plastic bags, what's that about), magazines, paperback books of an erotic nature, (those walked right in to my condo, it was the only way to ascertain who this crap might belong to for a monetary fine or stern warning), dozens and dozens of cosmetic samples, including the most foul smelling perfume known to man, except it did not have a label on it.
My partner and I dug out antique stuffed, animals, rugs, small bits of furniture and proceeded to fill the back of my truck with all of it. Its in a dumpster, its fair game and now its my tax deduction $$$. I made a mental list of what was being put in my truck. It is well known that I am a cheap bastard and I will take any and all tax deductions and I have no shame in digging out stuff to donate. Then there is the issue as outlined in my last blog. "Jason the dumpster's full, and I don't have room to throw out my pizza boxes and PBR cans".
The truck began filling up, and we were making jokes and fast work of the lifestyle some had placed in the dumpster. We made it to the halfway point of the dumpster and I began to open similar bags of trash (yes...it was flat out, common trash). The one I opened had similar items that we had been digging out all evening. Several bills, papers and plastic food containers (which should have gone in the recycling you earth killing heathen and you know damn well who you are). I pulled out bills that had one of my neighbor's name and address all over it. There is no way in hell I would ever let any piece of paper with my name and address on it go into a commonly used dumpster. Doesn't anyone care about identity theft anymore. Even if you have Lifelock (or whatever that credit checking/credit rating service is called) it does not guarantee that someone will use that information to harm you...or your pugs.
After further digging, I found a pay stub from the same neighbor. It was now obviously her bag of trash. In one hand I had my neighbors utility bills, pay stub, with social security number and what looked like a house key, on the other hand if this was left in the dumpster and fell into the wrong hands I was looking at was my condo complex on an episode of City Confidential, which would weave a story of murder, mystery and intrigue. I took all of it and put it through my shredder. Then I emailed her father and let him know what I found in the dumpster. I would have walked it over to the unit owner but at this time it was 10 pm and all her lights were off. Which is a first for her, she tends to like "night time activities" and I am not talking about Scrabble. The email read much like how this blog read, but I made a point to let him know that I was cleaning out the trash so it could actually be used by the residents and I left out my sense of humor, since he doesn't have one.
Two days later I was flagged down by the previous HOA treasurer and he warned me that the above referenced humorless father was on the war path. He stated we were acting like "trash Nazis" (that shit's a direct quote), and that his daughter was now afraid to throw away her trash because we were trying to find stuff to use against her, AND that recycling is optional and owners can throw away as much trash as they want.
First...No. you do not verbally assault someone who did not send you an email. Man up, you Jackass and email me back or come knock on my front door. After speaking with the previous HOA treasurer I was fired up. I carefully crafted an email to clear up any misconceptions that Jackass may have had. I also reiterated that I did not give a flying monkey's balls what his daughter was up to. I also reiterated that no unit owner had the right to fill up the dumpster. If you want to throw out as much trash as you can, in any given week, then buy a fuckin' house. These are condos you Jackass!
I wrote the email, made my point and moved on. Two days prior, I spent most of my evening cleaning out a dumpster for the sake of my condo community and then found stuff that any reasonable person would not put in there. His daughter made the statement that she felt we were against her and trying to find stuff to hold against her. I have a feeling she has been making that statement for most of her life. I have better things to do...I have a lot of things to do...I have too much to do to be digging through a dumpster in the middle of summer to find things on a resident that I don't know, haven't met and never see.
No, seriously I hate being an HOA President.
But the stuff I found in the dumpster was hilarious...just a few things stick out. A silver lame shirt, a real fur coat, size small, several large Mumu style dresses, dozens and dozens of investment and money management magazines, a huge wool rug in white sized 5x7, a painting of Jesus (that will send you right to hell), and a shoe box full of sewing notions which I was not allowed to keep because apparently I have too much stuff already.
Tune in next week, or whenever I get off my lazy ass to blog again and read all about squatting renters, replanting cut Christmas trees and feeding racoons.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Hey Jason, can you wipe my butt??
Welcome back to being an HOA President.
Often times residents, and that includes renters, will come to me with their petty problems as if I'm some kind of residential playground monitor. I'm going to use the term residents to refer to owners and renters as using the term douchebag sounds bitter and unprofessional. So...residents will often come to me when something goes awry and it seem to "small claims" to call the police but they won't deal with the situation themselves...hence knocking on my door with the following complaints. Here is where as the reader you have the advanced knowledge of knowing I hate being the HOA President, elections are next month (fingers crossed!!), and that I think most people are jackasses. Now...on to the following complaints...
"Someone parked in the visitor spot that my boyfriend usually parks in."
"The trash is really full."
"There were kids that were walking through the complex and they hopped the fence on the east side of the complex."
"My parking spot (which was already planned and deeded to the condo unit with the county) is too far from my front door."
"The landscaper didn't water the plants in front of my unit enough"...please note the guy does not water at all, it has a high cost and then the HOA has to pay for the increased water bill and since we haven't had sufficient funds, ie we're kinda broke...the landscaper does not water at all.
"Is the HOA going to pay to have the empty lot next door trimmed down, its kind of an eyesore" The lot next door is not ours, its fully fenced and this resident does not live near the empty lot. Douchebag.
and last but not least...
"I know the HOA doesn't have the money but will you guys pay to scrape the moss off the roof over my part of the condo."
I'm not allowed to physically strike the residents but I do roll my eyes...in front of them, and tell them that I will "look into it."
I get it. I know what my position is, but really? You bought into a condo complex and you want someone else to police the parking? If I owned a house...and my neighbor parked in my driveway...no note, no knock on the door, nothing. Would you walk to your nosy neighbor's house and ask them to get the other neighbor to move their car? NO! You'd walk your anger filled ass right over the offending neighbor's house, knock on the door and as soon as it opened, yell at the top of your lungs (yell only if there is an adult, there's no reason to yell at the kids, they can't drive) back to yelling at the top of your lungs..."MOVE YOUR FUCKING CAR!"
And if the landscaper didn't water your area of the condo complex, then perhaps you could chip in and water it yourself.
Stay tuned for more wacky hijinks, as 5 units in this complex move out of foreclosure and into the hands of people who will pay 40% of the original price that the rest of us "residents" paid.
Often times residents, and that includes renters, will come to me with their petty problems as if I'm some kind of residential playground monitor. I'm going to use the term residents to refer to owners and renters as using the term douchebag sounds bitter and unprofessional. So...residents will often come to me when something goes awry and it seem to "small claims" to call the police but they won't deal with the situation themselves...hence knocking on my door with the following complaints. Here is where as the reader you have the advanced knowledge of knowing I hate being the HOA President, elections are next month (fingers crossed!!), and that I think most people are jackasses. Now...on to the following complaints...
"Someone parked in the visitor spot that my boyfriend usually parks in."
"The trash is really full."
"There were kids that were walking through the complex and they hopped the fence on the east side of the complex."
"My parking spot (which was already planned and deeded to the condo unit with the county) is too far from my front door."
"The landscaper didn't water the plants in front of my unit enough"...please note the guy does not water at all, it has a high cost and then the HOA has to pay for the increased water bill and since we haven't had sufficient funds, ie we're kinda broke...the landscaper does not water at all.
"Is the HOA going to pay to have the empty lot next door trimmed down, its kind of an eyesore" The lot next door is not ours, its fully fenced and this resident does not live near the empty lot. Douchebag.
and last but not least...
"I know the HOA doesn't have the money but will you guys pay to scrape the moss off the roof over my part of the condo."
I'm not allowed to physically strike the residents but I do roll my eyes...in front of them, and tell them that I will "look into it."
I get it. I know what my position is, but really? You bought into a condo complex and you want someone else to police the parking? If I owned a house...and my neighbor parked in my driveway...no note, no knock on the door, nothing. Would you walk to your nosy neighbor's house and ask them to get the other neighbor to move their car? NO! You'd walk your anger filled ass right over the offending neighbor's house, knock on the door and as soon as it opened, yell at the top of your lungs (yell only if there is an adult, there's no reason to yell at the kids, they can't drive) back to yelling at the top of your lungs..."MOVE YOUR FUCKING CAR!"
And if the landscaper didn't water your area of the condo complex, then perhaps you could chip in and water it yourself.
Stay tuned for more wacky hijinks, as 5 units in this complex move out of foreclosure and into the hands of people who will pay 40% of the original price that the rest of us "residents" paid.
Monday, September 19, 2011
The beginning part deux-plex
After settling in to my new digs and meeting new neighbors, some of which were pretty cool for neighbors, the new condo started to feel like home. It wasn't shortly after move in that one of the builders started to come around and collect HOA dues. But he wasn't collecting them regularly, or intermittently, or even periodically. I just kept a check by the door and if I happened to be home and he happened to knock on my front door then I paid my dues. If he didn't, then I didn't. I always paid for each month even if I was paying for 3 months at one time.
Then meeting started. OOOHHHH the fun of HOA meetings. We learned how to make a motion, and then second it and then vote on it...except there was never enough owners at a meeting to vote on anything. The meetings were mostly discussion and tying up loose ends as the builders transitioned to other projects and the condos transitioned to the HOA members. Eventually enough units were sold that a officer's election meeting was to be held. Now this is some real live HOA action!! Except only 4 people showed up. The builders were not able to be a part of the HOA board as they were not unit owners, not in the capacity that the real unit owners were unit owners. By dumb luck and process of elimination I became the HOA President, because I thought it would be the easiest job. I could not have been more wrong if I thought Borax would have been a great anal cleanser. And yes I said anal.
The beginning was not that bad. I led meetings, the treasurer showed us a pie chart of the money from dues and the expenses and the secretary took notes. Then the dues went up...hmmm. The dues went up because the expenses of the condos was not calculated correctly. We were using more water than the builders expected. I guess I was supposed to bathe in Lake Vancouver twice a week?. The dues remained under $100. Not bad being that some HOAs had dues in the hundreds. The adjustment was minimal and I was glad to pay it if it meant we could keep the HOA afloat and pay our bills on time.
A few months later the builders were gathered around the courtyard near my unit. I'm a nosy prick so I walked out there and poked my nose in their beeswax. Turns out the loan they took out had reached its limits. I had no idea what that meant. What it meant was the builders, all 4 of them were now the proud owners of 2-3 units each. Over night my quiet little condo complex acquired 9 rentals. That was the beginning of the end.
Renters came and went, I never once saw a rental application.
Oh...and there was a fire in 2 units that displaced 2 owners for 6 months. One of the builders' workers caught the insulation on fire underneath a unit while repairing plumbing. He was not a licensed/insured/bonded plumber and the builder's insurance had expired the previous day. But I digress. The builder whose worker was negligent stopped coming to HOA meetings, and so did another builder. Then the 3rd builder stopped coming to HOA meetings...you get the idea.
Renters came and went, some were good. They were great neighbors and some were bad...real bad. The biggest issue was the builders themselves. They were late on dues each month, sometimes for several months. All the while their renters were using water, throwing away trash, and parking in visitor parking. I reached an apex where we are now. Two builders are being sued by the HOA for past dues/ late fees that amount to over $12,000. Those sons of bitches.
Fast forward to 20 minutes ago and 3 of the 4 builders have lost their units. 7 units were acquired by West Coast Bank. Two units have already been updated and sold to owner occupied buyers, but the next 5 are almost ready for listings. I keep my fingers crossed that they are sold to owner occupied buyers as investment property owners pose more of a financial peril to the HOA.
The lawsuits are still in the legal machine for 2 of the builders and just because I was pissed I also sued one of my "cool" neighbors as I have not seen that owner for 3 years and that owner has not paid dues in 3 years. I've paid my dues every month for 4 years. In essence as an HOA president I've paid my dues.
Tune in next week when I become the parking enforcer and the bad guy for letting a unit owner know their pay-stubs were in the trash.
Then meeting started. OOOHHHH the fun of HOA meetings. We learned how to make a motion, and then second it and then vote on it...except there was never enough owners at a meeting to vote on anything. The meetings were mostly discussion and tying up loose ends as the builders transitioned to other projects and the condos transitioned to the HOA members. Eventually enough units were sold that a officer's election meeting was to be held. Now this is some real live HOA action!! Except only 4 people showed up. The builders were not able to be a part of the HOA board as they were not unit owners, not in the capacity that the real unit owners were unit owners. By dumb luck and process of elimination I became the HOA President, because I thought it would be the easiest job. I could not have been more wrong if I thought Borax would have been a great anal cleanser. And yes I said anal.
The beginning was not that bad. I led meetings, the treasurer showed us a pie chart of the money from dues and the expenses and the secretary took notes. Then the dues went up...hmmm. The dues went up because the expenses of the condos was not calculated correctly. We were using more water than the builders expected. I guess I was supposed to bathe in Lake Vancouver twice a week?. The dues remained under $100. Not bad being that some HOAs had dues in the hundreds. The adjustment was minimal and I was glad to pay it if it meant we could keep the HOA afloat and pay our bills on time.
A few months later the builders were gathered around the courtyard near my unit. I'm a nosy prick so I walked out there and poked my nose in their beeswax. Turns out the loan they took out had reached its limits. I had no idea what that meant. What it meant was the builders, all 4 of them were now the proud owners of 2-3 units each. Over night my quiet little condo complex acquired 9 rentals. That was the beginning of the end.
Renters came and went, I never once saw a rental application.
Oh...and there was a fire in 2 units that displaced 2 owners for 6 months. One of the builders' workers caught the insulation on fire underneath a unit while repairing plumbing. He was not a licensed/insured/bonded plumber and the builder's insurance had expired the previous day. But I digress. The builder whose worker was negligent stopped coming to HOA meetings, and so did another builder. Then the 3rd builder stopped coming to HOA meetings...you get the idea.
Renters came and went, some were good. They were great neighbors and some were bad...real bad. The biggest issue was the builders themselves. They were late on dues each month, sometimes for several months. All the while their renters were using water, throwing away trash, and parking in visitor parking. I reached an apex where we are now. Two builders are being sued by the HOA for past dues/ late fees that amount to over $12,000. Those sons of bitches.
Fast forward to 20 minutes ago and 3 of the 4 builders have lost their units. 7 units were acquired by West Coast Bank. Two units have already been updated and sold to owner occupied buyers, but the next 5 are almost ready for listings. I keep my fingers crossed that they are sold to owner occupied buyers as investment property owners pose more of a financial peril to the HOA.
The lawsuits are still in the legal machine for 2 of the builders and just because I was pissed I also sued one of my "cool" neighbors as I have not seen that owner for 3 years and that owner has not paid dues in 3 years. I've paid my dues every month for 4 years. In essence as an HOA president I've paid my dues.
Tune in next week when I become the parking enforcer and the bad guy for letting a unit owner know their pay-stubs were in the trash.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Closing Day! Or the beginning
Why would a regular guy, who fears confrontation, become an HOA President? The answer is really simple. I was one of 3 unlucky bastards that showed up to the HOA meeting.
I write this blog because its not socially acceptable to run around the complex in my adult Underoos while pretending to shoot lazer beams out of my fingers at the jackasses who have not paid their dues. I've also become an angry person with several of the issues facing the HOA and the small; 22 units, 11 buildings and 4 trees, condominium complex, of which, I am currently the HOA President. No dangling participle, nice huh?
I'm going to start at the beginning, end at the end, and over the course of my lifetime, update this blog with the interesting, insane, and ridiculous crap that happens to me on a daily basis. I did mention that there are only 22 units.....what could I possible have to write about?
For the beginning I will keep it short. I returned to the Great Northwest after living on the East Coast for 8 years. I decided I did not want a property that I would have to update or remodel. The city I was destined for was out of my price range but there were several condominiums at decent prices. It was 2007 and I decided that a garden style condominium, which had been remodeled and was move in condition without any need for upgrades or remodeling. In fact the entire complex was being rehabilitated and all the buildings had Hardiplank siding in great colors, front doors were all matchy matchy and the big selling point...each building only had 2 units, the number of annoying neighbors was at a minimum. The grounds were nice, not amazing, but not a disaster, safely landscaped with room to grow...or room to replant. I was ready for a home that did not require me to maintain the grass or shrubs or weeds or bark dust...as I was paying for that in the dues. Speaking of which, the dues were reasonable...
The condo layout was fantastic. A calming circular pattern with each room flowing into the next but with a dividing wall that kept the bedrooms quiet. Safe Sex to me is not hearing my friends screwing on my sofa when they are too incapacitated to get to their own homes. In my head, at that time, this condo was perfect. The perfect size, the perfect placement in the complex, only 1 attached neighbor and the builders seemed genuine. My realtor was an acquaintance of mine and he thought it was a good buy. The home inspector gave my selected unit a thumbs up, after giving another unit a thumbs down. I was excited. I loved being a homeowner and even more in love that I did not have to renovate...not only did I not have to, I didn't want to, it was all brand new on the inside.
I plunked money down, bought the necessary appliances and moved in. I quickly settled in and loved my new neighborhood. New neighbors moved in and those that moved in before me were social, friendly and pleasant to converse with in passing.
Now as the HOA President its been 4 years and 10 units will go through foreclosure before year's end, I meet with an attorney daily to continue suing the original builders, one resident has not been seen since March of 2008, another resident has magically transformed her deck into a garbage dump, West Coast Bank is my new BFF, and we cannot afford to pay the Landscaper to water the grass. CRUNCH!
Stay tuned for updates...it only gets better from here.
I write this blog because its not socially acceptable to run around the complex in my adult Underoos while pretending to shoot lazer beams out of my fingers at the jackasses who have not paid their dues. I've also become an angry person with several of the issues facing the HOA and the small; 22 units, 11 buildings and 4 trees, condominium complex, of which, I am currently the HOA President. No dangling participle, nice huh?
I'm going to start at the beginning, end at the end, and over the course of my lifetime, update this blog with the interesting, insane, and ridiculous crap that happens to me on a daily basis. I did mention that there are only 22 units.....what could I possible have to write about?
For the beginning I will keep it short. I returned to the Great Northwest after living on the East Coast for 8 years. I decided I did not want a property that I would have to update or remodel. The city I was destined for was out of my price range but there were several condominiums at decent prices. It was 2007 and I decided that a garden style condominium, which had been remodeled and was move in condition without any need for upgrades or remodeling. In fact the entire complex was being rehabilitated and all the buildings had Hardiplank siding in great colors, front doors were all matchy matchy and the big selling point...each building only had 2 units, the number of annoying neighbors was at a minimum. The grounds were nice, not amazing, but not a disaster, safely landscaped with room to grow...or room to replant. I was ready for a home that did not require me to maintain the grass or shrubs or weeds or bark dust...as I was paying for that in the dues. Speaking of which, the dues were reasonable...
The condo layout was fantastic. A calming circular pattern with each room flowing into the next but with a dividing wall that kept the bedrooms quiet. Safe Sex to me is not hearing my friends screwing on my sofa when they are too incapacitated to get to their own homes. In my head, at that time, this condo was perfect. The perfect size, the perfect placement in the complex, only 1 attached neighbor and the builders seemed genuine. My realtor was an acquaintance of mine and he thought it was a good buy. The home inspector gave my selected unit a thumbs up, after giving another unit a thumbs down. I was excited. I loved being a homeowner and even more in love that I did not have to renovate...not only did I not have to, I didn't want to, it was all brand new on the inside.
I plunked money down, bought the necessary appliances and moved in. I quickly settled in and loved my new neighborhood. New neighbors moved in and those that moved in before me were social, friendly and pleasant to converse with in passing.
Now as the HOA President its been 4 years and 10 units will go through foreclosure before year's end, I meet with an attorney daily to continue suing the original builders, one resident has not been seen since March of 2008, another resident has magically transformed her deck into a garbage dump, West Coast Bank is my new BFF, and we cannot afford to pay the Landscaper to water the grass. CRUNCH!
Stay tuned for updates...it only gets better from here.
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