Dear Readers,
I was recently brought to my attention that I don't update my blog enough...I know. I was also brought to my attention that I didn't stay true to my word and write about what I stated I would right about...I'm embarrassed.
So here it is...unabashed, unashamed, but the names will be withheld to protect the ignorant, most of whom can't read anyway.
During the summer an infidel cleaned out what we assumed was a dead relatives house and placed the contents into the Condo's dumpster. It was full. Not full, like "wow this is full but I can place one more bag of shit in here". It was full like a closet you throw all your crap in and when opened, topples out, covers your entire body and crushes your larynx in the process.
It was full of used, household goods. There was bags and bags of clothes, sheets, linens, tupperware...I mean plastic food storage, boom boxes (in plastic bags, what's that about), magazines, paperback books of an erotic nature, (those walked right in to my condo, it was the only way to ascertain who this crap might belong to for a monetary fine or stern warning), dozens and dozens of cosmetic samples, including the most foul smelling perfume known to man, except it did not have a label on it.
My partner and I dug out antique stuffed, animals, rugs, small bits of furniture and proceeded to fill the back of my truck with all of it. Its in a dumpster, its fair game and now its my tax deduction $$$. I made a mental list of what was being put in my truck. It is well known that I am a cheap bastard and I will take any and all tax deductions and I have no shame in digging out stuff to donate. Then there is the issue as outlined in my last blog. "Jason the dumpster's full, and I don't have room to throw out my pizza boxes and PBR cans".
The truck began filling up, and we were making jokes and fast work of the lifestyle some had placed in the dumpster. We made it to the halfway point of the dumpster and I began to open similar bags of trash (yes...it was flat out, common trash). The one I opened had similar items that we had been digging out all evening. Several bills, papers and plastic food containers (which should have gone in the recycling you earth killing heathen and you know damn well who you are). I pulled out bills that had one of my neighbor's name and address all over it. There is no way in hell I would ever let any piece of paper with my name and address on it go into a commonly used dumpster. Doesn't anyone care about identity theft anymore. Even if you have Lifelock (or whatever that credit checking/credit rating service is called) it does not guarantee that someone will use that information to harm you...or your pugs.
After further digging, I found a pay stub from the same neighbor. It was now obviously her bag of trash. In one hand I had my neighbors utility bills, pay stub, with social security number and what looked like a house key, on the other hand if this was left in the dumpster and fell into the wrong hands I was looking at was my condo complex on an episode of City Confidential, which would weave a story of murder, mystery and intrigue. I took all of it and put it through my shredder. Then I emailed her father and let him know what I found in the dumpster. I would have walked it over to the unit owner but at this time it was 10 pm and all her lights were off. Which is a first for her, she tends to like "night time activities" and I am not talking about Scrabble. The email read much like how this blog read, but I made a point to let him know that I was cleaning out the trash so it could actually be used by the residents and I left out my sense of humor, since he doesn't have one.
Two days later I was flagged down by the previous HOA treasurer and he warned me that the above referenced humorless father was on the war path. He stated we were acting like "trash Nazis" (that shit's a direct quote), and that his daughter was now afraid to throw away her trash because we were trying to find stuff to use against her, AND that recycling is optional and owners can throw away as much trash as they want.
First...No. you do not verbally assault someone who did not send you an email. Man up, you Jackass and email me back or come knock on my front door. After speaking with the previous HOA treasurer I was fired up. I carefully crafted an email to clear up any misconceptions that Jackass may have had. I also reiterated that I did not give a flying monkey's balls what his daughter was up to. I also reiterated that no unit owner had the right to fill up the dumpster. If you want to throw out as much trash as you can, in any given week, then buy a fuckin' house. These are condos you Jackass!
I wrote the email, made my point and moved on. Two days prior, I spent most of my evening cleaning out a dumpster for the sake of my condo community and then found stuff that any reasonable person would not put in there. His daughter made the statement that she felt we were against her and trying to find stuff to hold against her. I have a feeling she has been making that statement for most of her life. I have better things to do...I have a lot of things to do...I have too much to do to be digging through a dumpster in the middle of summer to find things on a resident that I don't know, haven't met and never see.
No, seriously I hate being an HOA President.
But the stuff I found in the dumpster was hilarious...just a few things stick out. A silver lame shirt, a real fur coat, size small, several large Mumu style dresses, dozens and dozens of investment and money management magazines, a huge wool rug in white sized 5x7, a painting of Jesus (that will send you right to hell), and a shoe box full of sewing notions which I was not allowed to keep because apparently I have too much stuff already.
Tune in next week, or whenever I get off my lazy ass to blog again and read all about squatting renters, replanting cut Christmas trees and feeding racoons.
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