Welcome back dedicated readers,
Its been far too long since my last update, but fear not. I have been up to my eyeballs in the hilarity of being responsible for other people's homes. My legal team has advised me that the topic of towing cars is still a sore wound that should sit on the shelf a little longer. Not that I'm a big tease, but I don't have an arsenal of weapons against crazy and that is what lives next door...crazy.
I do want to introduce you to my all time favorite, least favorite neighbor. She was a renter next door and her name was...well I didn't actually catch her name as she never introduced herself, she just came up to me one day, bitching about the landscaping. Let's call her Aunt Petunia. Auntie moved in several months ago and promptly let me know that she had a few people staying with her for a short period of time. Those people stayed for 9 months. They consisted of a man, who obviously was in a rock band, a woman, who obviously failed at dying her hair, several times and a little girl who wore a bike helmet when playing out side...without a bike.
Unfortunately, Aunt Petunia rented a unit that was going into foreclosure. The owner was nice enough to let her know, that was his first mistake. This following was her statement about their conversation:
"Well, he called and said the apartment was going into foreclosure and that he was sorry he couldn't afford it anymore. I told him I wasn't paying rent anymore and to Fuck Off!" That was Aunt Petunia keeping Vancouver classy. She did have a point on one issue. More than likely she was not getting her deposit back. I figured something was up when she came home one day with a new computer, printer, big ass TV and one of her "house guests" had multiple bags from different shops and stores. Aunt Petunia gave herself a big ole dose of retail therapy. I only found out from her that the unit went into foreclosure months after it happened. The owner was nice enough to let her know it went into foreclosure but I guess as the HOA President I don't need that kind of information.
Aunt Petunia quickly began to spread misinformation, fleas and bread around the complex. She was telling other renters about "benefits" to living in a foreclosed property. What she didn't know is that all of the "benefits" were facts for homeowners, renters didn't get jack. The fleas came from here fat, nasty Dachshund who barked at everyone and was allowed out the front door, unsupervised to do her business. The bread came from Aunt Petunia's own pantry. She tossed it off her deck like a Frisbee. I assumed it was her effort at charity.
Shortly after the Christmas Holidays Aunt Petunia's property became too visually cluttered. She had parked her bike and kayak on the side of her unit, placed her Christmas tree outside her front door and routinely frisbeed bread onto the back 40 of the property. At this time I had to make rounds to a few other units so I began with Aunt Petunia.
I was not able to get Auntie to the front door, just her horse faced house guest. I informed horse face that they had parked too many cars in the visitor parking spaces and some of them had not moved in several weeks, particularly the car with expired tabs. I also informed her that sporting equipment would need to be contained within the confines of their unit or the fenced area of her yard. The response to that was:
"There isn't enough room in this apartment for Aunt Petunia's kayak."
REALLY??? I managed to fit my canoe and unicycle in my unit, what gives?? Then the conversation came to the Christmas tree, turning brown as I spoke, and why it could not remain in its current location. The response:
"We thought it would re-root itself and grow if we left it in the dirt."
OH COME ON!! You are killing me with this one. The tree died the moment it was severed from its roots...it has no way to draw water to its needles, are you serious? Its not like an avocado pit that if it sits in water will sprout, its not an amaryllis and you've just perfected a forced bulb technique...its a dead tree!! It was then that I realized I was dealing with a member of the 1%. The 1% are those that have no common sense, street sense or ethical sense...they are in fact as dumb as a box of hair. I told her it was a fire hazard and it had to go...and NOT IN THE GARBAGE DUMPSTER. I asked horse face to relay the information to Aunt Petunia and bid her good afternoon.
I did bring up the bread issue and it continued to be found on the back lawn. Most of that bread made its way back to Aunt Petunia's deck and within the confines of her fenced yard. I assumed she laid it out to dry, in an effort to make croutons and it flew off her deck. I was merely putting her property back whence it came.
Aunt Petunia stayed for several months, rent free. Her guests smoked on the back deck and lumbered back and forth to their jalopies. She rarely said "Hi". If I was on my deck, her smoking guests never said "Hi" either. She continued to rile up the other renters and filled their heads with nonsense. Then one day just as inconveniently as she moved in, she inconveniently moved out. And that was that. Or so I thought. She left a mess in the unit and her Christmas tree under the deck, covered in bread.
You may wonder why I am so opposed to miscellaneous baked goods being tossed onto the back lawn. First of all that's how you get ants, secondly there are raccoons who live in the area. They are big and crafty.
One summer evening, 3 years ago, I was relaxing on my deck. The heat had lifted and a cooling breeze was blowing north. It was almost midnight and the street was quiet. I heard a crackle and a pop. I looked to the overgrown field adjacent to the condo property and saw the biggest, ugliest raccoon crawling up the fence. I was grossed out of my own skin. Raccoons are the damned souls of criminals living a hellish purgatory. That's why their tails are stripped and their little hands look like they could pick locks or hot-wire cars. GROSS!! The only thing worse than a raccoon is a possum....ICK!
The raccoon climbed up the fence in the vacant field. When he go to the top he climbed over the top rail and climbed down the fence, upside down. Yup, head first. This was not a smart raccoon. If the ugly thing slipped he would fall to the concrete right on his wretched, flea ridden head. He made it to the bottom of the fence and sat on the street. Then to my absolute horror, a second raccoon, a bit smaller than the first, began to climb up the fence in the same manner. When the second raccoon reached the top it paused. I gasped. The abomination looked around and looked right at me!!! I froze, trying not to draw its attention. It then did the strangest thing. When it reached the top of the fence, it swung its leg over, straddled the fence, swung the other leg over and climbed down ass first...just like a human. It looked like a midget in a costume. I was so aghast I couldn't even utter EWWWW!
I have just proven my theory. Raccoons are the souls of the criminally damned. It continued to scale the fence to the street. Both raccoons looked both ways before crossing the street. The pair headed straight for the house across the street. They tread lightly over the yard and then disappeared under the deck. The underside of the deck had been enclosed as it was low to the ground, however, a foot wide opening allowed the demons under the house to safety.
I stood there, mesmerized and disgusted. I went back into my unit and watched TV. Over the next few days I attempted to flag down the occupant of the home. I told him about the raccoons and he contacted the owner. The vermin had chewed their way into the crawl space and reeked havoc. The damage was close to $5000. That's why I won't allow food to be lawn darted over the property...its how you get ants and its how you get the souls of convicted mongrels living under your house.
Tune in next week when the HOA receives its very first Reserve Study and the amount of money we don't have to sustain ourselves...No, seriously, I hate being and HOA President.
Bravo sir BRAVO!!!!! And that IS how you get ants! :)
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